You Heard the Saying Here First
05/14/2013 § 7 Comments
I broke down on purpose. My owner always speeds past this scenic spot, so I caused a malfunction so we’d stall. He’ll figure out the problem soon enough, but I’ll get to enjoy the view until he does. Now I need a bucket list of other places to stall. Can’t seem unreliable, though. Ain’t no beauty in a junkyard, Jack.
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Keep It Simple
05/13/2013 § 8 Comments
No, I’m not a plant, silly; I’m a plant hook. They put me here to hold a hanging basket of flowers. What’s a “hanging basket”? Don’t they teach these things in nursery school anymore? A hanging basket is a gravity-defying soil-containment system used to nurture eye-catching floral displays. What’s “gravity“? (Sigh.) It’s just like the force your mom used when you got grounded.
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Would They Really Try to End It All?
05/10/2013 § 10 Comments
GASP! DO YOU THINK THEY COULD HAVE STUFFED ANY MORE OF US INTO THIS THING! I’m losing feeling in my stems; the daffodils are all crying; and the tulips are, by nature, claustrophobic. This “Welcoming Spring Display” is a torture chamber. I’m most worried about the tulips. They’ve all got loaded pistils.
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Doesn’t Miss ALL the Festivities
05/09/2013 § 7 Comments
I’ve been out here by myself for 3 years now. I was only 2 feet high when she bought me for her office upstairs. I responded to her loving care by outgrowing the room. She still takes good care of me, but I miss all the office gossip and birthday parties. I DID hate it when she decorated me for Christmas, though. Tinsel tickles.
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M. Antoinette: “Let Them Drink Decaf!”
05/08/2013 § 17 Comments
THOSE TWO AREN’T REAL COFFEE! They have no body. When people come up to the cart, one of us needs to speak up first and say, “Regular or decapitated?”
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