Not the One He Was Hoping For

08/29/2016 § 10 Comments

Sitting Bears

Dear, do you think it’s time we have “The Talk” with Junior–that it’s OK to eat out of trash cans and terrorize campsites?

Saturday Bonus Post–Letter #30: “Mistaken Identity”

08/27/2016 § 8 Comments

See links at bottom for the previous letters.

Lyle is often on the spot, because he resembles people in trouble!

Dear E.,

I must have one of those faces that is frequently mistaken for a real person. I mean for a real face. I mean I am frequently mistaken for someone else.

When I first came to the university, I walked into a local bakery, and the owner threw an apron at me and said, “GET TO WORK! The next time you’re an hour late you’ll be needing dough.” I refuse to talk to a merchant who serves up day-old puns, so I worked the rest of the shift. I forgot to put yeast in a batch of dinner rolls and made 20 dozen paperweights.

Just before quitting time the “other” me came in the back door for the next shift (his assigned shift), and was shocked to see that he had already arrived. (He did look like me!) I quickly told him what had happened, and he quickly thought up a plan.

We went to the boss, demanded a raise, and told him that if he refused we would just keep multiplying until the bakery went broke trying to pay us all. The man turned whiter than bleached flour under fluorescent lights at 3:00 a.m. He said, “I’ll give one of you a raise on the condition that the other one splits. I mean leaves!”

Over the years I have helped my “twin” increase his leverage when he wanted a raise or more vacation.

Another time I walked into a bank to purchase some money orders. The teller excused herself and left the window to confer with her coworkers. When she returned she said, “I’m sorry, Sir, we all agree that you died last year. Your executor closed out your account.”

When I showed her my driver’s license she was horribly embarrassed. “I’m so sorry, Sir. You could be Mr. Earthminder’s double. Well, not anymore, of course; I’m sure he’s changed some. I mean, I’m sure you look way better than he does now. I mean. . . . How can I help you? I’m dying to make things right.”

I put her out of her misery by forgetting the money orders and just asking for change for a twenty. In the middle of some transactions it’s just best to unplug and go home.

Not long ago I was walking across campus at night when a woman came up to me and said, “You win, Harold. Here are the keys to the house, the Mercedes, the condo, and the safe-deposit box. I’m tired of you messing with my mind.” Deciding that I’d better not speak for Harold, I said, “I’m sorry, you must be mistaking me for your husband.”

“For once, you’re right,” she said. “I did mistake you for my husband, but not anymore!” Then she threw the keys at my chest (really hard!) and walked away. I felt terrible! “Harold” wouldn’t know that he had been left; someone who looks just like me is a mind messer; and I had access to everything Harold owned except his address and last name.

Just today I was walking to my car when a stranger on the other side of the street shouted, “GEORGE, GREAT PRESENTATION AT THE SEMINAR MONDAY! CAN I GET A COPY?” I felt silly yelling, “I’M NOT GEORGE! HONEST!” So I crossed the street and said, “Thanks! Please call me tomorrow and remind me. I’m in the campus directory. Gotta run.”

Assuming that the stranger knows George’s last name, he should be able to get the copy he wants. “George” will be scratching his head trying to remember this afternoon’s conversation, especially if he was nowhere near campus today.

I just hope that one of my doubles doesn’t end up on the FBI’s Most Wanted list.

I had a dream recently that I walked into a watch-repair shop, and the owner said, “GET TO WORK! The next time you’re an hour late you’ll be doing time!”

More later,

– Lyle

Copyright © 2015 John Arthur Robinson
All rights reserved

[Excerpt from: More Later: Lyle’s Letters from the University, Red Axe Books, UK, 2015. The book contains 42 letters.]

Available at the Amazon site for your country or at Amazon U.S. for $6.99 here or at Amazon U.K. for £4.99 here. Makes a nice gift for any occasion or a perfect stocking stuffer!

But It’s Where They Keep Their DUDS!

08/26/2016 § 14 Comments

Western Figures

The Old West is just not what it used to be, Slim.  It looks like a walk-in closet.

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Purchase my digital-art photo “Feeling Hollow” as a print, framed print, canvas print, metal print, etc., for yourself or to give as a gift. A single blank greeting card with this photo is $4.20; a pack of 10 cards is $2.15 per card; and a pack of 25 cards is just $1.65 per card. (See the dramatic full-screen version and product options here.)

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Let Us Give Thanks!

08/24/2016 § 21 Comments

2016_08_24 Casserole and veggies

OK, so everyone on this plate agrees.  The popularity of raw vegetables is a good thing.  Best way to beat the heat.

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Purchase my digital-art photo “Stainless Steel Swan” as a print, framed print, canvas print, metal print, etc., for yourself or to give as a gift. A single blank greeting card with this photo is $4.20; a pack of 10 cards is $2.15 per card; and a pack of 25 cards is just $1.65 per card. (See the dramatic full-screen version and product options here.)

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I Thought the Eye Color Was GENETIC

08/22/2016 § 17 Comments

Black-eyed Susans

You have to ask why we’re hiding?  We’re Black-eyed Susans.  We’re tired of (1) black eyes and (2) bullies.

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Purchase my photo “Resting Butterfly” as a print, framed print, canvas print, metal print, etc., for yourself or to give as a gift. A single blank greeting card with this photo is $4.20; a pack of 10 cards is $2.15 per card; and a pack of 25 cards is just $1.65 per card. (See the dramatic full-screen version and product options here.)

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